Aloneness....
Oh, how I have hated this word! Being alone is the one thing in human existance which pains me more than anything other thing! When people feel alone they resort to selfish and unrealistic means to meet their needs. I believe all people should be surrounded by healthy community in which they feel loved and accepted and appreciated.

Yet I see the value of aloneness. It is when I am alone that I am forced to see myself as I really am. Warts and all. I am forced to accept that as I am I am acceptable to God. I don't have to change anything about myself to be loved. This may be the hardest thing for me to accept. We are programned to be achievers from a young age - we are taught that we should be focused and goal oriented, and often we experience greater acceptance when we do well at something then when we are merely mediocre or no good at all. Young children are taught to find something they are good at and go for it with all their might. This is not a bad thing perhaps, because it teaches them to accomplish tasks that they may even find difficult. But whether they are loved should not be based on their actions. And this kind of love can only be offered by God. Love that isn't based on good behavior or success. There is No rejection in God's love.

When I am alone, I have to be ok with JUST GOD loving me. I have to say, "Self, God loves you. You must love you too!" If I don't the only other option is to dwell on the past and get caught up with my own failures. Hmmm.... choose to set my eyes on my Creator and accept His love, or focus on me and how much I suck... Let's think about it.
Therefore, I have decided that even though I hate to be alone (I mean, I DESPISE it!!!! If I could, I would spend every minute of my day and night with someone that I love.), being alone is actually an opportunity to be with God - just me and him in sweet communion and intimacy. He wraps his arms around me and sings over me and tells me that His plans are for my good and not for my harm, to give me a hope and a future.

It is in Aloneness that God is nearest.  

I wrote this poem this morning. I hope it blesses whomever reads it!

 

The Untimely Death of a Cynic  

What dreams may come when thoughts of doubt and past are ever washed away,

And newness, lovers' breath of triumph, finds its light at break of day?

The finished doom and infamous ruin impeded by the blow of passion

Lowers its head in grave defeat while hope and joy are newly fashioned.

I find the fairness of the just and rightly claimed by dying embers

To fade away within the dust of memories' forgotten chambers.

Heal, I say, the cut too deep, the mortal wound inflicted cruelly,

Stay, the bleeding heart of adoration trounced, forgiven dually.  

Rise to meet the muse of dance and look to see the sated fates:

Your end was routed, enemy's clouted, so press you toward the finish date.

I find the adversary of love to be the challenger of truth

The companion of folly, the ill-advised; the death of wisdom - cowardly youth.

Still hope arises strong and sure for all those floundering in darkness now:

The Light of Life, His glory bright, will calm your heart and grace allow. 

The steady hand of freedom's start, beginning with the end of self,

Will renew desire for destiny and play the tune of endless wealth.

The triumphed love will be reborn within a stalwart heart of gold,

The bleating babe of vision's presence finds its years a tale of old:

Can flowers grow from thorns and bristles? Can roses bloom within the snow?

Can children dance on elders' graves? Can darkness fade to sunlight's flow?

Where teams the undercurrent's stream of faith and Jubal's song redeemed?

Why feel I strangely found within, and utterly lost without it seems?

I count myself hopelessly drowned within a sea of crimson waves,

I leave this tidal fall of desperate thought for all who once were slaves.

So grasp what seems the impossible task - renew belief in treacherous  feeling;

Find your soul an empty flask - Oh, fill to brim with romance reeling.

Have assurance in Love! For its end is certain and its now is full of dreams and sighs,

Cast off the undiluted presence of death and darkness - what hateful lies!  

Renew the ancient call of primal longing dormant, latent still

Fulfill the inner voice of craving, yield to His unbending will.

For Love will conquer fear and fault, and have his way among the free,

His song the trees and rivers laughingly proclaim will ever be.

Come, young and old, and warrior brave, come fighter, father, friend and foe,

Come, maidens light and elderly mother, come exalted queen and peasant low.

The great will bow with famished masses stoop and honor Love's request.

The worthy with the undeserving find equality in Charity's behest.

"To know Me is to know yourselves; to find Me is to lay to rest

What wearies you - your desperate striving for lesser then My proffered best."

What dreams my fly when hearts renew to lay aside what lies between,

What living growth may spring from stone, erode the stubborn rock unseen?

Now find my mind a garden of color, where only gray and drab once cluttered,

For you have awakened my innermost self to the song of the sparrow, a butterfly's flutter.

Your touch a reminder of forgotten words, your eyes a fire to set ablaze

My inner heart which never sleeps, and all my thoughts throughout my days.

1) What new experience(s) did you have in 2008?

    There is a place in my heart where it is so difficult for me to even begin; however, I am compelled to do so, in the hopes that what I have to say will touch and change hearts in this bright community called the World. So, as a testimony to the power of Love, I begin.
   For the last three and a half years I have been living in constant fear. I was involved in a religious organization that was very destructive. I wrote for these people as a Ghost writer. They published three books which I wrote for them and never paid me anything. I willingly gave of my time to their organization - over 40 hours a week. They did not pay me. The head of this organization was extremely controlling and verbally abusive, calling me names, and using cruel and unusual means to get his way. He claimed to love God but did not demonstrate this love. At the same time, my husband was physically abusing me. Because of my struggle with self esteem, I
believed that I did not truly deserve anything better than this treatment. I continued to put up with it, constantly afraid and trying to survive the abuse.
   On August 31, my husband left me and the organization we were involved with. Suddenly my eyes were opened to the truth of what I had been walking through for as long as I had been with them. I decided I must leave. This was truly the most difficult decision of my life. As an abused woman, I had the mentality that I must protect my abusers. Therefore, leaving them behind was a type of mental torture. My Dad and Mom helped me to see that what I was walking through was not what God wanted for me and so finally I was able to get out. My husband and I are still separated. This is a very good thing, because I am learning that God does not want me to be involved in an abusive relationship. He has better plans for me than that! 
   So, this Christmas season, I am thanking God for freedom. I am so glad to be gone from that place and to be out of that destructive relationship. And I wish to continue to grow and change and become something great! May my testimony empower women everywhere to realize that they are precious and beautiful! You are God's little princess, no matter how old you are and you deserve to be loved and handled with care. No matter how difficult it may be, you must choose to leave behind relationships that are destructive and keep you believing you are worthless. YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS! You value goes beyond words into the very heart of God. Believe it and step out in faith that He will bring others along side of you to lift you up and give you the courage to do what seems impossible!
     2) What inspired you in 2008?

   My mother inspires me. She has been believing in me and praying for me every day of my life, and finally she saw me get free from a most destructive lifestyle. She is my best friend, and I am so glad to have her in my life. Through this time of aloneness, she has walked with me, encouraging me to remain strong and to focus on my bright future. She has encouraged me to go back to school to finish my Masters. She is my super hero! 

   Sarah Palin inspired me this year as well. Many may have unkind things to say about her, but all I have to say is Well Done! Many may say she was unqualified for the job of Vice President; however, I say, that she did her best to rise to the occasion of the biggest challenge of her life. She believed in herself and didn't allow the difficulties of her past, nor the stigmas of her sex, nor her less then traditional family life to stop her from pursuing her dream. May all women everywhere rise to the same occasion of greatness.
 
     3) What challenged you this year? 

   I have been recently challenged to trust men again. in overcoming the fear of abuse, I am also being asked to believe that not all men are abusers. As difficult as this may be to accept, it is the truth. My father for example is not an abuser, and there are thousands upon thousands of men who have never abused their wives or children. I wish to meet more such men so that the truth can be firmly cemented in my heart that there just might be a man for me out there who will love me passionately and forever!

     4) What new person or people entered your life?

   Since I left the destructive religious organization, I have met hundreds of new people. I think the most influencial was a woman named Nancy. She hired me as a marketing agent at Welk Resort; she believed in me and saw great potential in me which has caused me to experience amazing promotions. She is so full of love and compassion. She is truly one of a kind and full of graciousness. 
   Another wonderful person I met is a man named Mr. Troy Burleson. He is a 7th Dan in Tai Kwon Do and is a man of great integrity and understanding. He is also my boxing instructor and is helping me overcome the fear of abuse. I thank God for him.
     5) Which global event(s) had a strong impact on you?

   I am so excited about the election of President Obama to office. What a day and time we live in, to see the first ever African-American President of the United States. I think this will push open a door for change in the USA which will absolutely change the face of our nation. I pray that he turns out to be a man of integrity and honesty and that he will bring reformation to our nation in the areas of education and the care of the elderly.

I believe that as citizens of this country and of the world, we should be involved in activities and organizations that benefit ourselves, but not only ourselves. In order to love others correctly, we must begin by loving ourselves; yet we should not stop there. Therefore, I consider the best activities to be ones that incorporate both self-betterment and empowerment and the benefit and growth of others. Such as: Coaching a YMCA soccer team in the spring. This activity is good for a person's body - it gives them the opportunity to work out and stay fit if they so choose. It also opens the door to touch the lives of children in a given community. The person who chooses to be involved in an activity like this will have the chance to become a voice for positive change in children's lives. How awesome is that!!?? Staying healthy and touching the next generation! Sounds like my kind of activity. Another amazing example of this type of activity is volunteering at an assisted living facility or nursing home. How does it benefit the one volunteering? It gives that person the opportunity to spend time with the elderly, who are usually full of love and wisdom to share and are by far the most interesting people to talk to. The stories they have to tell are unbelievable. From war and depression stories to the riots of the 60's and free love movement of the 60's and 70's, the older generation have a unique and interesting perspective to share and much to teach young people. By volunteering at a nursing home, a person is also showing the elderly that they are valuable and still a vital part of society. It gives them the opportunity to feel important and loved. What a wonderful activity in which to be involved!